What if?
by Infamousplot
Summary: Xion and Roxas have fled Organization XIII, and are now fighting for their very existences. Axel, alone, looks back on their friendship and wonders if there was anything he could have done to save it... Axel-centric AkuRokuShi, angst-fic.


**My very first songfic. _Over My Head (Cablecar) by "The Fray_", one of my favorite songs XD. Every time I listen to it, I can't help but think of Axel and Roxas... And Xion. But she's sort of an after-thought. (Xion goes to be emo in the emo corner) Anyway, this is just a bunch of things going through Axel's mind as he tries to figure out what's going on. Takes place while Roxas and Xion are engaged in epic battle. Disclaimer: I do not own Axel, Roxas, Xion, Kingdom Hearts, Org. XIII, or OVer My Head (Cablecar). They all belong to their respective owners. I just write about them for kicks. Note: NOT AkuRoku, AkuShion, RokuShion, or any pairing what so-ever. **

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_I never knew_

Why? Why did this all have to be happening now?

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I never knew that everything was falling through

It seemed like only yesterday things had been perfect. Well... As perfect as they could ever get for me. As perfect as they'd ever been. As they'd ever be.

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That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue  
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth

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But that's how it's got to be  
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy

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I'd rather run the other way than stay and see  
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Roxas and Xion... Both connected to Sora, both rebels, and both practically trying to get themselves killed. It was almost as if they'd made a secret pact. "Let's see who can die first. Yeah, that's sounds like fun, let's do it." Those little idiots. Why did I even bother? They deserved whatever they got. Or at least, that's what I tried to tell myself. What I wanted to believe.

_Everyone knows I'm in_  
_Over my head, over my head_  
_With eight seconds left in overtime_  
_She's on your mind, she's on your mind_

Roxas... Dammit, hadn't our friendship meant anything to him? He had half a heart -half more than I did, and yet... And still... And still, she was more important to him than me. Why did he care so much about her? I knew it was stupid, and petty, and selfish, but why? I was here first. I'd always been here, always looking out for him. Even when I was gone, I was still walking out on a limb just to try and protect him -and what for? To watch him run away? Watch him get himself killed? Watch him throw everything I'd ever done for him back at me and then grind it into the dirt?

_Let's rearrange_

Maybe I could have done more. Told him the truth, about his memories. If I'd told him... If I'd told him something, anything, then maybe... Maybe that would have been enough to keep him here. To keep them both here, where they belonged. Except they didn't belong here. They belonged with Sora, and I knew that, but... I didn't want to give them up. I shouldn't have to give them up. I've lost enough, so why did they have to be taken too?

_I wish you were a stranger I could disengage Say that we agree and then never change_  
_Soften a bit until we all just get along_

What was I supposed to do? Go after Xion, kill her? Or go after Roxas, and kill him? How was I supposed to do that, to either of them? I could turn on the heartless within me, convince myself I really didn't care. Roxas -he wasn't one of us, wasn't even a pure Nobody. And Xion... She wasn't even a Nobody, she was just a replica of Sora! A failed replica. Both of them, they were both failures, and they deserved to be destroyed.

_But that's disregard_

I hated myself for thinking that, even if it was only for a moment. It's not true. It never will be true. They may be failures, but when has that ever mattered to me? I didn't care that Roxas was a zombie -he was still my best friend. I didn't care that, for most of the time I knew her, Xion looked like Namine. She was still my best friend. Both of them were, and I didn't think there was anything I could do to convince myself otherwise. I'd never be able to kill either of them.

_Find another friend and you discard_

I can't replace one with the other. I couldn't justify destroying Xion with Roxas's survival, or vice versa. I may have felt replaced when Roxas joined up with Xion, bitter and betrayed, but that was in the past. Roxas and Xion... I couldn't just let one die. Roxas was Roxas and Xion was Xion, one wasn't above the other, and one didn't deserve to die more than the other. That was a fact. Got it memorized, Axel?

_As you lose the argument in a cable car_  
_Hanging above as the canyon comes between_

Hah. How many times had I said that to Roxas? It nearly drove him crazy. How many times had we argued over stupid things? Laughed at stupid stuff? How many hours had we spent up on that clock tower, making fun of our Superiors and contemplating emotions and hearts? How many days had we not made it up there? I feel a pain in my throat. Is this how it was going to end? Roxas hating me for lying, Xion hating me for keeping the truth from her?

_Everyone knows I'm in_  
_Over my head, over my head_  
_With eight seconds left in overtime_  
_She's on your mind, she's on your mind_

Xion... Sweet, innocent Xion. I hated her when I first saw her. She looked like Namine to me, reminded so much of that cursed place -the place where I killed Vexen, to save Roxas. I didn't want her there, at the clock tower. I didn't think she belonged there. Now, I knew I was wrong. If I could ever tell her that... Tell her how important she really was to me, how wrong I'd been about her before... I'd do it in an instant.

_And suddenly I become a part of your past_

We'd always talked about our memories... And how they made us who were. The past was important, to them at the very least. I'd always thought it was best to move on from the past. To forget it. But now... Now that things were moving so fast, picking up speed and barreling toward the end... What would become of the time we'd spent together? I hated to think of that.

_I'm becoming the part that don't last_

Because what if they decided to forget about me?

What if I'm something worth forgetting?

_I'm losing you and its effortless_

I never wanted it to end like this. I didn't want any of it to end. After everything I've lost... My home, my family... Isa, Saix, my life, my heart... Maybe I thought I had nothing left to lose, now that everything I loved was gone. But I was wrong. I was so wrong. I had everything, and now I was losing it, all over again. But all I could do was sit and watch as it dissolved at my touch, slipping through my grasp and fading away into nothing.

_Without a sound we lose sight of the ground_

_In the throw around_

That's all it ever was though, wasn't it? It's painful to think about, but as much as I deny it, part of me can't help but believe it. All of this... This illusion I'd been gripping to, holding onto so dearly... This thing I'd called "friendship" wasn't even real for us. We were Nobodies. We can't love, we can't feel, we can't care. We don't care. We are nothing, and so is everything we experience. For all I know, none of this is even real. I'm not even real. I shouldn't be real.

_Never thought that you wanted to bring it down_  
_I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves_

Except... No. This was real. It's strange, but part of me is sure of this. Everything I felt for them... Felt with them, felt about them... All of it is real. Roxas and Xion, my best friends, my family, were probably the realest things about my existence in the Organization. But now... Now I was going to lose it.

I could almost feel it as it slipped out of reach. Almost see it as it drifted out of sight, out of mind. Gone. It was all I could do not to scream right there; to shout for it to stop and come back. It wasn't gone yet. It wasn't even a physical thing, it wasn't there. But it was going, and soon... It would disappear. Just like everything always did.

There's a choked up sensation in my throat. God, I was going to lose them. Not one, but both of them. I'm was going to fail, again, because I couldn't protect them. I'd always felt the urge to protect them; an urge so strong that it had the power to control me if I let it. And now, I couldn't do anything to protect either of them. I was going to lose the things I cared about the most -again -and it was driving me insane...

_Everyone knows I'm in_  
_Over my head, over my head_

"Don't get too attached to them" they told me. "Don't meddle" He said. I didn't listen. I never listen. "Someday Axel, you'll learn your lesson." Yeah right. It's been over a decade, and still, I've learned nothing.

I should have known not to get involved with all this keyblade crap. I should have backed out when they gave me the chance, dumped my babysitting privileges on someone else when they'd offered. I could have high-tailed it out of there months ago, before I'd gotten to know Roxas as more than a zombie, and before I even knew Xion was a girl. I should have stayed out of this. I would have, too… If I'd been someone else.

That's the thing, though. I wasn't like the others. If they'd had Roxas dumped on them, they would have finished up their jobs and have been done with it. They would have used his power to their advantage. But, I wasn't them, and I never wanted to be. Maybe, if I'd been a little more like Saix, I would have looked at Roxas and seen him the way the others did: a tool for meeting our goals. But that wasn't the way I saw him. No, I saw him for what he really was: a kid, just looking for a place to belong. Like Xion. Like me.

_With eight seconds left in overtime_

There's so much I should have told them. So much I was scared to tell them. Words mean so little though, when you really think about it. Nobodies say whatever they want, but they don't have to mean it. It's actions that really prove how you feel. There's no limit to how much you can prove through a simple action.

_They're on your mind_

So much left to be said... So much left to be done... But my time... It's almost too late.

Could it be different? Could I have done something, anything to change this? Part of me thinks not.

_They're on, your, mind..._

But part of me will always wonder...

What if?

_Everyone knows I'm in_

_Over my head, over my head_

_With eight seconds left in overtime_

_They're on your mind_

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**Okay. And so Axel is tormented some more. It's just so easy to mess with his mind... ;; This story was a little rushed, so I'm not sure how it really is... Please, if you people are out there, and you actually found and read this, REVIEW! I need to know if it really is crap or not. If you read and do not review... I will send Axel after you, and he will set your house on fire and dance around it -laughing maniacally -as it burns. Thank you.**


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